Friday, November 24, 2006

...Whats in a Title?

It’s that time of the year again and I can hear funny sounds.

It’s been really a roller coaster this term. Still can’t believe I am about to be churned out of this place dressed in a robe with a diploma in my hand in about 3 months time.

Had two back to back presentations early in the morning. The first one, right at 7:30 am was already underway as I entered the class (perfect start of a fantastic day! ??) I walked in, kept my lappy and walked right across the class to take my place among my team members, team members with very expressive eyes and early morning dispositions.

Who the hell said that only Julia Roberts can do it? They all did it to me ….they said it all….When they actually said nothing at all!!

A couple of hours later, it was my turn to take on the centre stage and give some global gyaan. A history of sorts was made with the most inscrutably, outrageously absurd gyaan being delivered ever…. when I linked the fall of the Soviet Union with the e-business strategy of an Indian auto company! Yes you read it right…and this statement was made in a presentation with strict time limits.

Too much of e-business strategies for corporates, now its time to fine tune my own e strategies,…yes that’s something which has been lurking around in my ‘must do’ list for sometime. Wanted to change my orkut profile a bit, give it a new look and attract some damsels.

But what the heck ?? Couldn’t find a single good looking girl with an original profile. What the hell has happened to this world? Why is everyone committing? And even worse- getting married. What the hell happened to the great old Bengali promise of not marrying until you turn bald? I suddenly feel old, watching my old school mates marrying and committing, the time is not far away when I will be called ‘uncle’ ……Lord Have Mercy!!

And before I wind up and head for the night canteen let me be very clear on ‘my hearing funny sounds’ part. It’s been going on for hours now. Sounds of people singing, chanting, praying, reciting, mostly with stolen filmy tunes, bursting in accolades, fighting, debating and running chaos. I can hear it as I type this. It kind of runs down my spine as I try to decipher what it means? And wonder why? And no I am not hallucinating yet! It’s the God damn local mallus ……making me go mad!!!

And if you are still wondering why I wrote such a crappy post….Well, you know who is to be blamed?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Friendship Curve

‘Good friends we have, oh, good friends we’ve lost
Along the way.
In this great future, you cant forget your past;
So dry your tears, I seh.’

Bob Marley

Somehow these lines seem to capture my experience with friends and friendship. Two of the most astonishing words I have ever come across other than love, hatred and life itself.
I hardly have a present friend whom I have known since kidhood days. Infact most of my current friends are people whom I have known hardly for a year.
At times I feel I am a loner. But yet strangely I have never been without friends. I have always had a steady supply of wonderful friends, people whom I have known for a short period of time, been great friends with, spent a hell of a time together and then lost, at times forever.
I am full of memories of such people. It’s not everything that I remember, but just some faces like old snapshots and the moments between them.

And now when I recall our times together they all seem to be following a similar curve, a curve which reflects the intensity of our friendship.
Its kind of a bell-shaped curve with varying degree of slopes on its either arms and most often than not is skewed on one side.


Why I lost them? Why they lost me? Why did we become so dear friends in the first place? Will I ever get to relive those happy days again? What if we would still be friends? Would that fire of friendship still be burning inside us if things wouldn’t have gone the way they went?

Well life can be full of questions if we keep asking them.
Or else we can just lay back and reminisce about the small little laughter’s we had and let them be sweet memory files.
After all why do we even expect that friendship or any relationship would stay on for ever?
It’s not how much area we cover under the friendship curve but rather the heights which we achieve with it.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Confessions of a 'Dead Man' ..

@the anonymous girl:

Deewano ki yeh baatein....Deewane Jaante hai.....Jalne mein kya maza hai??....parwaane jaante hai...........Tum yunhi jalaate rahna...aa...aakar khwabo mein..!

I am fu*#ed.

Its past 2 am in the morning and I have two tests today totaling 100% weightage.
Voila! That’s like a full 3 credit course in a matter of 6hrs.
Well those who know me? Know that I still have a long time to go before I finish up reading all the chapters at least once!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

How time changes? And with it, it moulds everything around it……..it’s something I’ve never known.

Perhaps in this world, where everything is momentary the only thing which stays on are just words……words which I type down…….as a relic of the moments of my life and things which I’ve been through.

My diaries, my blog and all my random musings……look so different now!
The words still rekindle the same feelings in my heart….But I know more than anyone else that it’s no more the same.

The same blog posts which I posted on this website….everyone one of them is still very close to my heart, but perhaps something else, or someone else has changed.


Why did I ever meet her? Why do I love her so much? Why did it happen the way it did? Why did she ever leave me? Did she ever love me?...................Maybe I’ll never know, no matter how much I try?


Maybe she will always be with me in my words. She can go away from me but she can’t take away my words. She will always be the reason why I write……….. Why I feel all the things I feel……and the reason my heart still aches in lonely nights!

Monday, July 31, 2006

Requiem for a Dream


The green valleys still look the same, serene and intoxicating, trying to whisper something in my ears in the surrounding stillness.
It’s not like last year when I first laid my eyes on them, that seemed like love at first sight.
I used to stay awake the entire night just to look at the early morning clouds lying lazily on them and caressing them with their smooth touch.
The clouds never seemed to leave them, as if they wanted to drown themselves in them and enjoy each and every second of the few hours they had with them before the sun dawns and separates them for the rest of the day!

I don’t know whether it was the nature lover in me or the resurrected soul of the long dead lover which made me see what I saw in them:
Two lovers who are about to be separated lying quietly in each others arms, losing themselves in each other and maybe saying a quiet, little prayer!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Dream on !!

Well if you guys had been wondering what ever happened to this bloke? And why is my blog lying dormant for so long? Its coz I have been going through a roller coaster ride since the last 3 months or so……somehow living and blogging seemed inversely proportional, the more life I got, the less time and urge I had for blogging.

Going home after a long gap, my flight to Mumbai, Primesite, my project, Mumbai malls, Bars, Clubs, Pubs, Colaba, Wilson college hostel- mackichan hall, New York Bar, Kindred spirits, that ultimate day in office waiting for my presentation to get over and then rushing out to chase another dream…….whifffffff !!!…....I can never forget that day for the rest of my life and all the sleepless nights I was awake preparing myself for it!….
And then my last week in Mumbai….….……..a old church, Victoria terminus, a railway ticket counter and a reflection on the glass door of an ATM………..I wish I never had to come back!

I don’t know what to say or feel about them? I feel restless…I feel sad…I feel ecstatic…..I feel like a pregnant woman with lots of emotions held up in me about to come out of me, kicking and fighting inside me to let them come out. But I will hold them inside me….make them kick me, kill me and hurt me…no matter what they do? I won’t let them come out ……maybe I am just waiting for something to happen or someone to smile back on me…………….............Again!

Everytime that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face gettin clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dust to dawn
Isnt that the way
Everybodys got their dues in life to pay
I know what nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know its everybodys sin
You got to lose to know how to win
Half my life is in books written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know its true
All the things come back to you
Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away
Dream on, dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true
Dream on, dream on
Dream until your dream come true
Dream on, dream on, dream on...
Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away


Dream On
Aerosmith

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sleeping Awake

Why is it that we keep nurturing those dreams which we know are never going to come true?
When the night stretches too long, and you are still awake. When the roads outside have died out and the night is so silent that you actually hear yourself breathe.

It’s so late that the Bacardi has stopped kicking. But it’s still too early for the hangover to clear fully.

It’s in this particular aperture, this moment of temporary blankness, when the world stops flashing its images at you, when you are neither asleep, nor awake, neither drunk nor sober that this alternate dream world immerses you in it.


She lies beside me and whispers in my ear. I can feel her warm breath on my neck. I can feel the moisture on her lips. I drown in her aroma. I can feel our heartbeats becoming one.

It’s a world where the distances between us had ceased to exist, where unspoken words make more sense and a quiet smile means more than being on phone for hours. I just wish that this was for real and that I never wake up. I can die a hundred deaths for just one night like this, lying next to her in her arms and her, in mine.

And then suddenly you wake up with the sound of wings flapping outside your window as pigeons take their first flight of the day and you realize that it’s already past dawn. And all you have is a couple of hours before you re-enter and take charge of the other dream state which we call life!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Coming Soon...

Sorry guys and gals for being out of touch for so long!!!

I know I haven’t blogged for a long while now but trust me fellas I have been up to a lot of things and have got loads of stuff to write about and share with all you guys.

The hostel where I stay doesn’t have internet connection; more so the bugger with whom I share my room reminds me of ‘time table’ from ‘Dil Chahta Hai’

Really rough conditions for writing I must say, especially for a guy like me to whom writing doesn’t come naturally. Infact very few things come to me naturally. I have to really struggle a lot with myself to do these. Trust me.


But worry not mates. I am back again. And this time I am armed with a digicam.

So hold your breath, tighten your seat belts, and remove your hand from that mouse, and be ready for a deluge of posts one after another coming your way.

I call it the summer collection. But Mumbai matinee seems much cooler and thats what I am going to name all my blogs which I write sitting here in Mumbai nagariya.


Hold On Guys !!
Mumbai matinee is going to RockK you ALL Very Soon !!!!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Just Another Post

I know I am blogging after a long time now. In the mean time I changed the look of my page thrice and settled on this one for the time being. Somehow I don’t seem to find the perfect look of my page, a page which will have my panache, my feel, through out and will speak as much of me as do my words.
The latest news from my side is that I have finally completed the first year of my PGP, so technically speaking I am ½ MBA now, minus of course the summer project which I will have to sweat it out onboard the local trains of Mumbai. But that is not on the top of my mind now. Somehow in the past 3 trimesters I have learnt to just look and worry about the following 12 hours, anything more than that is simply a waste of time. Some call it living on the edge, some say JIT. For me it has simply meant to just aim at the nearest devil and live life as it comes, devil by devil. Strangely it is not something which I would have done a couple of years ago. I always used to be a dreamer, day dreaming about how I should go about my activities and used to waste hours planning for them, but all that has changed in the past few months.

As I sat on the last bench, with dreamy red eyes, from 3 continuous night outs, trying to figure out the questions of the financial management exam, a sudden thought dawned on me. The share prices, the options, the futures, derivatives all seemed to scream that how much I have missed in the past 10 months. I have had this feeling before, of the huge pile up of back log which I have been creating every term. Somehow they just seem to keep increasing by the day. One day missed and the work for that day gets piled up, as hardly I will get a free day to devour them.
I know what most of you guys would be thinking?
These IIM guys don’t have a life- mugging, numbers, excel sheets and charts are all they care about and then they get those huge pay packets, that too on a golden platter without having to sweat for it.
But I can bet that behind all those talk is a hidden desire to be like us, live our lives and for most of the girls, to get an IIM grad as their boyfriends, if they cant get in on their own. Trust me guys I have seen it firsthand.
Anyways coming back to the examination hall, 20 minutes down the exam I was still sitting trying to look busy by diving deep in to the question paper quite sure that I won’t be able to cruise through this one. Meanwhile others were buried deep in their answer sheets writing all that they could scrape out from their brains.
40 minutes down and I was nearly finished with all those I could manage to do of my own. But still I couldn’t get out of the lingering thought…… Am I really eligible to clear the first year of this prestigious Institution? Have I really been able to grasp all the concepts and ideas hidden inside those heavy books, course materials and handouts and cd’s?
What will I do next trimester when, I will be majoring in finance and marketing? Will I be able to clear all those backlogs by then? Or will the same style continue for one more year?
Certainly I am a failure at becoming a mobile library like most of my buddies here. I have not been able to excel in fin or mark or even my known subjects like accountancy here. I am no bond.

But I have changed a lot in the past one year or so. The same stimulants which used to stir me up even six months back don’t do now. The same jokes at which I could not stop laughing even six months back get only a slight smile from me.

I guess I have discovered more about me in the past one year than the subjects which I was meant to. Six months back I would have still wondered how I will react to a particular situation but now I know it fully. Somehow I feel I am closer to me than ever. My worst nightmares, my most cherished dreams, my best kept secrets, my darkest sides…all seem so clear and known to me now. Even the most tensed situations have stopped giving me any shivers. Not to mean that I have become a great manager in excelling under pressure situations but just that I have stopped reacting emotionally at unnecessary things. It’s really crazy but it’s true, the world looks so much more different now than it ever was for me.

Long time back, while I was still in college a very senior professor had once told me that a B- School changes you more as a person than the amount of knowledge it imparts in you. Back then I could only imagine what he meant, but now I am living it.

Is this what an IIM does to you? Or is it just another one of my midnight hooey’s. Frankly speaking I don’t know. Perhaps the answer lies somewhere down the road ahead.

Clarification to the post below.

This poem/song is a creation of James Blunt, atleast thats what Google says, thanks Dewaker for bringing it to my notice and my sicere apologies for the earlier goof up.
My life is brilliant.
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,And I don't know what to do,'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,Flying high, [ - video/radio edited version]
Fucking high, [ - CD version]
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,And I don't know what to do,'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,I will never be with you.
James Blunt

Monday, March 13, 2006

@the anonymous girl

Found this poem somewhere, wish I could have written it....
Yes, she caught my eye, As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was …..Fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again, But we shared a moment that will last 'till the end.
You're beautiful ! You're beautiful !! You're beautiful !!!
............It’s true.

I saw your face in a crowded place, And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you...!!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Happy Birthday to ME...!!!

This is what pastries are made for................some people eat it !!


The clock struck 24 completed years for ME today & this is how I welcomed it...!!
p.s: Some people thought that I was celebrating Halloweens...:)

Monday, February 27, 2006

This one is for my seniors here at IIMK, a tribute to them, My style…..


The entire BHostel Gang together after the last Hostel Party


A simple little pretty much inconspicuous guy who was my junior in college in St.Xavier’s Kolkata, and an eccentric guy whom I met during the GD/PI sessions in IMS Kolkata a couple of years back. The first one lives right opposite to me and the other one is one of the more famous guys here, a council member and both of them are my seniors.

The story of life has always been a collection of the stories of the people whom we meet and all the moments we share and all the things which we did or even more about all the things which we could have done, but never did.

Today as my seniors are leaving I can’t help myself but regret the fact that I was a failure in not knowing all of them more closely.
Perhaps we could have got more time to know these people who were right next to us, rather than knowing about authors with unpronounceable names who wrote shitty books.

But still whatever time and moments I got are all part of one sweet little memory file for me. Snapshots of times which froze in my memory to be cherished forever and perhaps to tell you guys someday through places like these.

Spam wars on IP, Pranay’s creative genius, JC’s smart one liners, Ravi & Abhilash’s size, Nilanjanda’s knowing smile and red eyes. Shounakda’s lambi gyaans, Sumcha’s random walk through the corridor with the earphone on, talking to his girlfriend, God so many times I thought he was talking to me while I walked past him, Mustu’s cool & sweet attitude, Sandy’s historical blunder. My own blunder at the first party at K with the Ms. Seniors :) All the girls who used to frequent my hostel and how I did a klpd once by greeting one of them? (will tell you guys in detail later). There are so many such moments which I will never forget. But there’s one guy whom I will miss the most and he is Meren. Somewhere down within I feel he is a lot like me. Carefree, bindaas, never cares about his grades or attendance, big time smoker, and to top it all he listens music in full volume. I will miss him when the next time I am out of cigarettes or when the next time I need to piss Firdaus off by playing music at full volume. But I will miss him the most when after getting up late I wont find anyone on my floor and have that feeling that I am the only one bunking classes.

Well not too far away in the future a day will come when I will also complete my 6 terms here and get a diploma and a farewell party and also a convocation ceremony and I don’t know how my emotions will run then? But today when I look at my seniors I just want to tell them that they were one hell ova batch of achievers, not because they got into an IIM and left with the best ever placements, but because of the persons they are, the kind of legacy they are leaving, the culture they built, the parties which they gave us, and most of all............

FOR SURVIVING TWO FULL YEARS IN THIS PLACE.

I just hope that someday, somewhere around this big bad corporate world we will meet up again face to face and that Day ....................…..Mil Baithenge 3 yaar.….Hum, Tum aur Bagpiper…:D


Thursday, February 16, 2006

Valentine’s Day IIMK isshtyle

Just another day that’s what I expected it to be, nothing more. Got up late. Again. Thankfully one of the classes got cancelled. Not that it would have mattered much, but still !!
Afternoon was cool nothing much to do other than watch the slowly burning overgrown grass outside my balcony. Don’t know which moron’s idea it was.
That’s one more shortcoming of living in a state like Kerala, nobody wants to work. Who wants to carry the grass down & burn them?? You can do it here only. So what if the charcoal-ed grass flies all across the campus & poor fella’s like me can’t even open their balcony doors for days just to avoid the dust.

But something was missing all this while. I was missing my daily dose of tension. That’s something which you get here for free. Something to worry about, everyday. Checked my mail & there it was a mail from one of the assistant’s reminding me of yet another of my blunders. I am the only person left who is still not part of any group in the subject and the day for the group presentation is nearing. She had asked me to meet her but gosh by the time I checked my mail she was already gone for the day. One more blunder.
Jab Uparwala deta hai toh chappar phaar ke deta hai’
It kind of gels well with another of my fav lines: ‘Shit happens’ and today they seem to be working in concert.



6:45 in the evening & Sameer pings saying ‘pratik check ur mail’ ……it is kind of Deja tu experience (the feeling that I have seen you before © Happy) tomorrow we have a presentation so the case has to be solved & made into a PPT. And as usual he has broken the case into parts, to be solved & made into a ppt individually till we collate it JIT before the presentation.
Just another day was going on well, just as I had expected until someone pushed open my door and barged in.
Sea Queen jaabi??’ Everyone’s celebrating it so why should we sit back. So what if we are away from our gf’s. Let's celebrate…!! Prosenjit said those words in exactly 3 seconds. I could see in his eyes it was the food of sea queen more than anything else which was alluring him. !!(I don’t blame him though coz I feel the same.)

Now that’s an offer which I have learnt not to decline in my past 8 months here. So we were out by 7:30. Though it was not our usual bong group, it was much smaller this time, only me, prosenjit & shiladitya (better known as soupda)

WHAaaawwW…!! Was the expression which had come out from my mouth the first time I entered the roof top of this sea-side restobar. And every time I enter this place I feel like saying it again. This place has a particular feel about it. An ambience, especially at night. It kind of soothes me and takes me away from all the crazy tensions of campus life.

Prosenjit’s cell kept ringing. It was the third time that he picked up the call & simply said ‘
Same to you! I have a meeting going on now. So can’t talk. Will call after 12’

The place, as usual was quite filled up with our seniors and other batch mates. There are hardly any nice places to go in Kozhikode. We ordered our drinks and starters and lighted our cigs.
The topic of discussion shifted from the menu card to other things. CGPA, foreign exchange programme, electives, assignments, culture ….all came one by one and both soupda & prosenjit were deeply involved in it. I was silent, somehow the sound of the waves hitting the beach seemed more appealing to me. I would never care in a 100 lifetimes what CGPA I am getting as long as I keep on moving from one year to another, smoothly. Or for that matter going to Europe for a student exchange programme and increasing my bank loan by another couple of lacs.
There was a cool breeze blowing in from the sea and the combination of alcohol and the sweet air was having a calming effect on my nerves. After some rounds of drinks and a steak I got up on the parapet and jumped. I was falling down. I kept falling for some 10 seconds but I didn’t hit the ground. I was rising up again. And then soon I was flying. First I made a couple of circles over the restaurant & then proceeded towards the beach & then over the sea. I would have nearly reached the Arabian coast if only Prosenjit could have waited a while. But he was too eager to smoke and nearly shook me up …..Just for a cigarette! How mean can people get??


By around 11’O clock we decided to leave. For those of you who don’t live here. The roads here are really classy. I mean they are in much better condition than in most of the upper half of India. But they are really narrow & winding. You will hardly find a straight stretch of road which runs for more than a kilometer. There’s hardly any traffic at night except for the trucks. A bike ride now would have made the day for me. But all we had at our disposal was an auto.
I sat at one end of the backseat. Soupda kept complaining about his size not fitting in the middle. Don’t know whether he was complaining about his size or the auto’s size or us sandwiching him? Whatever it was I was not interested. I laid my head on the side wall & kept looking at the road ahead. I just wanted to go & crash on my bed. It was the kind of feel I used to have as a kid while coming back late at night from a party or some family get-together.
Somehow I feel the older or matured we get the more primal our tendencies become.
I am always a person of compulsions and very instinctive. But at that moment I don’t know where all my head & my thoughts kept banging & in which direction. I was having an uncanny feeling of bliss & solitude.

I remember saying once to someone on a related topic that these two years are the most vulnerable years, emotionally for most guys here. Little did I know then that I would so foolishly expose my own to her ?

How much more ironic can life get?


The auto ride lasted for some 35 minutes.
I came back to my room and started working on the unfinished case. It was around 2’O clock when I sent the PPT over to Rakesh to collate it.
At 3’ O clock Ankur multicasted that there is a test the next morning at 9 am.

Just another day had gone by perfectly fine!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

In trance....



It’s so weird! isn’t it?......that things which we want to forget or wish to forget actually never gets deleted from our mind. So many times I have believed that I have been able to forget them and was comfortably ignorant. But I was wrong. All it took was a lonely night and 10 minutes of rain to bring back all those memories fresh in my mind as if it happened just yesterday.

It is 4:30 am in the morning & I am still wide awake. Still trying to fine tune my newly constructed weblog. I am quite tired with 4 days of night-outs with my studies and one day of fever. But somehow I don’t feel like going to bed. I am out of cigarettes, 6 hours back I still had an entire pack of it on my table but now it is empty (and there’s no chance of borrowing it either from Arka or Kiran as they are both fast asleep)…..also lying on my table are two empty cans of Diet Coke. Even my water bottle is empty which means I have to go out and refill it again. All these newly discovered constraints suddenly made me feel sleepy and I lay back on my chair and closed my eyes.

I have to call up mom. Its been two days since I last called and she must be worrying as my cell is inaccessible.
I need to book my tickets also for the next term break and Oh! Yes before I forget I have to complete my FM II assignment also, before 18:58 hrs tomorrow (deadline set by my neighbor Firdaus, who should get a six sigma certification for his lifestyle, everything about him seems like clockwork)


And then suddenly her face flashes in front of me, as an unwanted pop-up advertisement.
I wish it goes away but it doesn’t. She looks at me and starts smiling. I try to control myself thinking its nothing but musings of a semi-tranced mind. But the trance seems to get stronger on me. I go back to the day when I first met her. And everything appears to be so clearly saved in my mind. Each day, each moment, every incident, every joke that we shared, every fight that we had, her smile, her laughter, her getting angry on me, her favorite dialogues and how I used to make fun of them……starts raining through me…….All at Once !!
That one moment I felt like having re-lived the entire story once again.


I can hear the sound of rain lashing on my balcony. Its already dawn and the first rays of sunlight have started to lighten up this beautiful
Kampus.

There are times when you have a feeling, a feeling of content even without a reason. Like the beautiful sunrise from the corridor of B-Top, or like rain lashing the picture perfect hills across the horizon, the beautiful small houses and the narrow winding roads across them.
Well Discovery Channel says that rain water is nothing but naturally recycled water. But today it brought with it something more than just that.

The rain didn’t last long, hardly for 10 minutes. But for those moments it did, it completely drenched me.




Photo: Nitesh Solanki

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Theory of CHAOS

***********************************************************
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

-
Friedrich Nietzsche
***********************************************************

The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does. (Ian Stewart, Does God Play Dice? The Mathematics of Chaos, pg. 141)

Simplified it conveys basically two ideas. First, not all things which appear random are random, they have an underlying order……and if understood properly they can help us solve most of our problems.
Second is the sensitivity of the dependence of the outcome on initial conditions. Just a small change in the initial conditions can drastically change the long-term behavior of a system.

If all this is true then probably there is a pattern in the randomness of my life also.
Things which I never understood and left it just as a chance where after all not just isolated occurrences. They had a pattern, an order.
Probably I can retrace all the things which I had done in the past few months here and find an underlying pattern in them and find my answers like why I bunk so many classes? Why have I not been able to live up to my expectations, academically? Why I wasted so many nights & hours with someone?

What if I go back in the past and change the initial conditions? Will I be able to make the final outcomes as I want them to be? If present is a function of the past then I should succeed. What if I could go 3 years back and undo all my mistakes which I did as a young teenaged college go-er? Or what if I could go back some months back and stop myself from committing that foolish mistake of trying to do something which was utterly utopian and irrational ? Would I be able to get back my previous life then or the months which I wasted doing it? Or may be I could just change the conditions to get just what I wanted from the entire affair !!
I wish I could do it. And keep doing it as long as I don’t get what I want.


Sunday, February 05, 2006

GMD




One more term is standing on its head upside down at 90 degrees. Mid terms are starting from Monday. And I have no clue about the subjects.

In the mean time I have just realized that I have screwed up one more paper by not attending the classes of the visiting prof who came all the way from Sweden. And I don’t have a suitable excuse yet. Perhaps it was the environment of Kerala and more closer home of Kunnihill which makes me more romantic and lazy. Who wants to study Indian economics and commodity futures?? when you could just fix your eyes upon the beautiful landscape and let your thoughts wander searching for …………………….!!